You ask and you shall receive! Right here, right now, I am listing the 5 best things to do with the most conventional and bland condiment available in your supermarket. Thats right, the most inferior red sauce found in your grocer of choice, ketchup. So, what can you do with this molecular mishap caged in a plastic bottle?

1. Paperweight

Ketchup is great at keeping your papers in place when that summer breeze rolls through your dining room or home office. The best part? Ketchup only has to be refrigerated after it’s open. Leave the seal on and you have a long lasting paperweight!

2. Make Perfect Pancakes!

This one’s easy. Step one, take your new bottle of ketchup and squirt it all in the trash. Step two, clean bottle thoroughly. Step three, fill with pancake batter. Now you have a perfect pancake dispenser!

3. Neutralize that Gnarly Skunk Odor

Now, I have never been skunked, but if I can think of one thing more vile than ketchup it would probably be the smell of skunk. So in the case of a skunking, a ketchup bath might be the price you pay to help combat that aroma. I hope this is not a myth. If this is an elaborate trick to get me to rub ketchup all over my body and I am left smelling like a skunk, AND covered in ketchup, I might cry.

4. Squibs!

Are you producing a low budget film? Do you need some good blood effects on the cheap? Do you have a couple ketchup packets in your cupholder? If you answered yes, yes, and yes, then you’re in luck! Ketchup packets make perfect squibs and they are pre loaded with a fairly convincing fake blood and best of all they are practically free! With the price of admission to McDonald’s you can save loads on your special effects budget with a handful of these puppies! I do not condone walking into a fast food joint and stealing condiments without buying something, that’s just not nice.

5. I guess you can put it on your fries….

I think fry sauce is more interesting, but ketchup is pretty okay on your french fries.